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Love me, love me not: How to love someone with different love languages than yourself

Although we may have different love languages, which can pose some challenges, there are definitely still ways to reinforce the romantic bond.

Love me, love me not: How to love someone with different love languages than yourself
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What comes to mind when you think about love? Roses, flowers, chocolate, forehead kisses, and intimacy? To some, this may be the case. To others, maybe not so much. So what do you do?


You really love and care about the person you are with, but then you realize there are a few levels and miscommunication when trying to express those feelings of love to one another. When this happens to some couples, (speaking from personal experiences) it fizzles out because one or both parties involved in the relationship aren't communicating effectively. My friends would sometimes say, "I don't know what happened, I thought we really cared about each other, at least I did, I was so gracious, trying to reach out and communicate with him. I would cook, make surprises, and also make time to see said person even though I have a busy schedule."

This prompted me to try and figure out why this happens in relationships and what can be done to make sure relationships become stronger. When I eventually hopped on the internet to research why this happens to relationships, I came across two words: love languages. Now I've heard about love languages before, but I didn't know exactly what It would entail.

If you also have heard about the love languages or are unsure about what they are, here's a breakdown: Developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor, speaker, and the author of The New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, states there are five main love languages, and each one of us expresses ourselves in one or a few particular ways within our relationships. Each of the languages are what they seem:

  • Physical touch
  • Words of affirmation
  • Gifts
  • Quality time
  • Acts of service

If your love language happens to be acts of service (this happens to be my significant other's love language), you're the most valued and loved when your partner does things to help you (without having to ask). If you're unsure what your love language is, take the test here to find out.

What's also really interesting about uncovering the love languages are the four tests you can take depending on your relationship status: one for singles, one for kids (they have love languages as well), one for teens, and one for couples.

Although we may have different love languages, which can pose some challenges, there are definitely still ways to reinforce the romantic bond.

Learn what each other's love languages are

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My significant other and I know each other's love languages now, but we've also come to the understanding that there is always room to learn and grow more. By learning and understanding each other's love language, you and your partner can better understand each other and how to approach certain situations within the relationship.

Everyone is different, and by taking the time to understanding your partner's feelings and concerns can go a long way. You would be surprised by the amount of conflicts that could be solved if couples simply took the time to listen and understand their partners.

Discuss what you learned

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After all the research, what better opportunity to chat about what you love the most in your relationship, what you need, and hopes for the future of the relationship. This can even be a fun activity for both of you to grow closer.

Learn to compromise with one another


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One of the best (or worst) things about having vastly different love languages is that it really teaches you to compromise if you wanted to work. Compromise sometimes can feel like a bad word because you may feel that you have two entirely give up a certain aspect of yourself. Still, there is an element of compromise in every relationship to take time to understand the wants and needs of our significant other (and vice versa) so love is expressed in every way that can be understood.

Moreover, always remember it's okay to have different love languages from your significant other. It makes our lives and matters of the heart interestingly beautiful because there is understanding and communication that although there will be differences, there's a way to feel good about the candidness to triumph past it.

These are the author's own opinions about relationships and what's worked for her.


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Eeva Rehnström, in her graduation cap. Four years later, she became my mother. (1931-2012)

Photo courtesy of Dr.Jaana Rehnström, the Founder of The Kota Alliance
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