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My advice for parental guilt in a pandemic

My William as a newborn

Ever since I became a parent I've felt a relentless undercurrent of guilt about everything and anything, from sleep training to screen time, from dealing with behaviour to needing a break. The pandemic hasn't helped; now I'm feeling guilty about things I have absolutely no control over, and I know I'm not the only one.

The pandemic-enforced homeschooling is fertile ground for feeling bad about your parenting skills. Not only do I worry that I'm not a patient or competent teacher, but other mum duties inevitably get left behind. My youngest, Bill, has been babysat by CBeebies and Youtube Kids while I try to give my four year old the time and attention he needs to complete school work. When we stop for a break, I know should play or read with Bill, but I just want a cup of tea and some silence. And the familiar wave of guilt washes over me.

I feel guilty about how much screen time they have, whether I'm doing enough writing or reading with them, the state of the house, what they eat, for leaving them to go to work or the fact they haven't hit a milestone yet. I feel guilty for wanting time away from my kids and not enjoying every moment. I feel guilty that sometimes I find being a mum mind-numbingly boring and I wish I was in the pub instead. I feel guilty when I shout most of all; it never helps and I just feel like I've failed them by letting myself get angry. I feel guilty about the things they are missing out on at the moment; time with family, classes, activities, social interaction and even the dreaded soft play. If I get a break to look at my phone I inevitably end up on social media, which is perfect for fostering guilt as there's always an opportunity to compare your parenting with someone else's polished social media posts and find yourself to be inferior.

And its not new. Its been there since day one. I had quite a difficult birth with Frank, and being exhausted and in shock from an emergency c-section meant that I didn't bond with him immediately. I loved him, but I didn't feel that intense rush of love that you're always told about. I just felt tired and scared. I'm not sure we've normalised the fact that not every mother (or father) bonds instantly with their child, for a variety of reasons, and of course that made me feel intensely guilty and ashamed. It was a year or so before I felt brave enough to say to friends; I didn't bond so well at first because I wasn't in the best state to. Once I'd recovered from the shock, and slept a bit, that overwhelming sense of love and attachment was there. It just wasn't instant for me. With William I had an elective c-section and it was a completely different experience. I was well rested and excited to meet him. I instantly fell in love and held him all day and night even though the midwives begged me to put him down and rest. I didn't feel like I needed to, I was just enjoying the cuddles and staring at him like a madwoman. Of course, that didn't mean that the guilt wasn't there. I felt guilty about two-year-old Frank, at my mum's and later at home with Dada. As soon as we were home the juggling act between a toddler and a newborn began, and I never didn't feel like one of them was missing out. I felt guilty that I couldn't pick up Frank after the c section, and so I tried to, and pulled my out my stitches.

The important lessons I've learned so far on homeschooling my childconversations.indy100.com

I don't have any answers to how we can fend off this parental guilt but I do feel deeply sorry for new parents right now. Covid has brought extra difficulties for parents and they won't be able to access the support networks they would normally have on offer. I've heard new parents sounding deeply guilty about what their baby has missed out on, and I want to say to them - this isn't your fault. Don't let guilt be the predominant feeling of your first year of parenthood when it could be joy. Accept that you will be tired and anxious, and mourn for the baby clubs and coffees and family time you've missed. But don't let the guilt overwhelm you, as it often does to me, when you can't change our current restrictions.

One thing I'm trying is to talk to myself how I might a friend. If a friend came to me and said; I feel so guilty that my toddler is watching cartoons while I'm busy with homeschool, I'd probably say - don't worry. This isn't forever. We are living through a global pandemic for Christ's sake, give yourself a break. You can spend quality time with him once schools re-open and you can have one on one time again. I'm not sure why I can't be that kind to myself, but maybe I should try.

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Women founders continue to come up against common challenges and biases

Written by Kelly Devine, Division President UK & Ireland, Mastercard

Starting a business may have historically been perceived as a man’s game, but this couldn’t be further from reality. Research shows women are actually more likely than men to actively choose to start their own business – often motivated by the desire to be their own boss or to have a better work-life balance and spend more time with their family.

The recently published Mastercard Index of Women Entrepreneurship 2021 found that in the category of 'Aspiration Driven Entrepreneurship’ – capturing those who actively choose to start their own business – women in the UK surpass men: 60% vs 56%. And Mastercard research from February 2022 found 10% of female business owners started their business in the past two years compared to 6% of men – meaning women were 67% more likely to have started a business during the pandemic.

Yet, there are common challenges that women founders continue to come up against - not least the gender imbalance in the household and long-held biases which are still prevalent.

In the UK, women are almost three times more likely to be balancing care and home commitments than men, and this was exacerbated during the pandemic as the additional barriers of school closures and lockdowns meant that the care time of dependents rose significantly on a day-to-day level for women. In addition, women were less likely to have access to a home office, greatly impacting the work they were able to accomplish when working from home was the only option.

It's also widely known that female business owners are still more likely to struggle to access funding for their business ideas. According to Dealroom, all-women founding teams received just 1.4% of the €23.7bn invested into UK start-ups in 2021, while all-male leadership teams have taken almost 90% of the available capital.

Without financial support, and when juggling significant time pressures both at home and at work, how can women grow their companies and #BreaktheBias (as this year’s International Women’s Day termed it)? What tools or support can save them time and money, and give them the headspace they need to focus on building their business?

With female owned businesses collectively estimating revenue growth of £120 billion over the next five years, solving this problem is bigger than supporting women – it’s about supporting the national economy.

Using tech to level the playing field

There are clearly societal issues at play that need to be resolved. But when we look at the rise in technology businesses during the pandemic, we can plainly see an alternative source of support critical for business growth: digital tools.

A third of female business owners say new technologies will be crucial to the success of their business in the future and one in five say it is the most important thing for business growth.

With new technology comes new ways to pay, create, and work. And yet there are barriers that prevent business owners accessing this technology. Women are significantly more likely to say they want to use more digital tools but don’t know what is best for their business and also more concerned about the security of digital tools.

When technology is adopted by businesses – whether using online accounting solutions or messenger services for communicating with staff – it saves them time, allows them to maintain and grow their customer base, and ultimately increases cost savings and profit.

By drastically improving the training and support that is available to women-owned business to access and utilise technology we will allow these businesses to grow and succeed. And we know there is demand for it.

Research done by the IFC and Dalberg shows that female entrepreneurs are more likely to invest time and money in business development. This includes product development, customer base expansion, and digital tools and training and there are plenty of services available offering this type of support – many of them for free.

One such programme is Strive UK – an initiative of the Mastercard Center for Inclusive Growth – which aims to reach 650,000 micro and small business owners across the UK and empower them with the tools they need to thrive in the digital economy through free guidance, helpful tools and one-to-one mentoring.

Working together with small business experts – Enterprise Nation, Be the Business and Digital Boost – we hope to ensure hundreds of thousands of UK female business owners have the tools they need to succeed and reach their ambitious goals. Because this ambition remains strong in the UK, with female business owners largely optimistic about the future despite the multitude of challenges they are facing. Four in ten say they will grow their business in the next five years – compared to only a third of male business owners – and they’re also 35% less likely than men to say they plan to downsize or close the business.

But if we do not empower female entrepreneurs to access the tools and technology they need to grow, there is a risk this optimism could be misplaced. Support programmes that provide business owners with guidance and mentorship can help ensure this isn’t the case, allowing female entrepreneurs to not only survive but thrive in the months and years ahead.