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What it's like going through a breakup during the pandemic

December 07, 2020
broken heart hanging on wire
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Indy100-Conversations
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Sandra Salathe

Breakups suck.

There's really no sophisticated way to phrase it. When you willingly give your heart to someone, odds are it's going to hurt like hell when it's broken. Add a global pandemic and self-isolation into the mix, and the injury provides a more profound sensation.

Unfortunately, that is the dilemma I'm currently undergoing. To provide some insight into my situation, I had been dating my former boyfriend on-and-off for almost five years. We began dating when Obama was still in office, so it's been a minute. Within that time we experienced a lot with each other, resulting in an intense emotional bond two people often develop after undergoing years of life experience together.

He was my person for a lack of a better phrase.

After breaking up two years ago, we eventually found our way back to one another, only to discover we had grown into different people who no longer wanted the same things. He wanted children and I wanted to focus on my career. There was also the added stress of residing in two, separate cities, (I was in New York, he was in D.C.) with no plans on him relocating anytime soon.

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Being in an interracial relationship was never issue for my boyfriend and me. Then Trump became president, and as much as we like to pretend otherwise, our world drastically changed.

With that being said, the arguments became more frequent, resulting in a mutual agreement to "consciously uncouple." But regardless of the decision being mutual, it nevertheless stings. When your partner doesn't choose to grow with you, or support your ambitions, there's a different kind of heartbreak that accompanies the current pain.

However, navigating a breakup during a pandemic, along with a recent move to a new city, hits differently. It's a tender pain, often met with waves of unexpected emotion. It can be triggered by a song, scene in a movie, or even a familiar scent. For me, it's the faint smell of my ex's cologne, still lingering on my pillows long after they've been laundered.

Experiencing a breakup during a pandemic is even more difficult because you don't have the customary distractions. You can't go out with your girlfriends for a night of much-needed debauchery, or escape for a vacation like one would before the pandemic. Reeling from a breakup amidst Covid adds an extra layer of intensity because you're forced to face the emotions head on.

You can't distance yourself from the reality of the situation you're in. But maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Before Covid, I was so busy living my life, I would often forget to check-in with my mental and emotional health. With a plethora of distractions to keep me occupied, it was easy to neglect the internal turmoil I sometimes experienced. When my ex and me got back together, I was intent on making our relationship work I began putting his needs before my own. But in doing so, I started hating myself, which ultimately led to me resenting my partner.

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What comes to mind when you think about love?

I was transforming into someone I swore I wouldn't. It's heartbreaking how we sacrifice so much of ourselves for the people we love without realizing it. So, the only thing I could do was let go before I risked becoming someone I no longer recognized.

My main priority now is myself and that's the relationship I'm intent on working on. I wake up every morning and utter at least two affirmations out loud. After that, I devote twenty minutes of my morning to yoga before logging on for work. I have date nights with myself each week, where I'll cook an elaborate meal from the New York Times Cooking section, which is sometimes almost edible.

I also carve time out of my day to read a book or watch a film that is somehow beneficial to my emotional growth. At the moment, I'm currently reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle and watching Unorthodox and Daughters of Destiny on Netflix. In addition, I take walks around my neighborhood and occasionally treat myself to brunch or dinner. With the uptick in Covid cases surrounding New York, even those little excursions are becoming risky.

Some days are easier than others. No matter how hard I try occupying my time, there are moments when the heartache is simply too painful to bear. That's expected considering the circumstances. But when that happens, I retreat to a little breathing exercise I learned in my virtual yoga class. I take a deep breath and count to five, then exhale while counting to seven. I repeat this exercise five times, often envisioning myself on beach in the Maldives with Harry Styles.

I take pleasure in the little things, such as a freshly-brewed cup of coffee, pumpkin spiced candles, and warm bubble baths with eucalyptus oil and a tall glass of red. I try living in the moment and being present. Instead of viewing this time as a sad installment in my life, I'm referring to it as a new and exciting chapter. Most importantly, I prioritize my mental and emotional wellbeing and try not to stress the little things. I remind myself I gave my relationship my all, and even if it didn't work out, that's ok.

I'm learning how to bask in my loneliness. I welcome the emotions with open arms. Sometimes I cry. Scratch that. I cry ALL THE TIME. You could fill a swimming pool with the amount of tears I've cried. But it feels amazing once I'm finished. It's almost like emotional detox; purging myself of all the suppressed feelings. I know this mourning phase will eventually subside. I'm certain of this not because I'm optimistic, but because I have to be ok. The alternative is not an option for me.

With every struggle I've been through, I've always picked myself and emerged stronger. This time is no different.

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Can tech help female entrepreneurs break the bias?

Women founders continue to come up against common challenges and biases
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Written by Kelly Devine, Division President UK & Ireland, Mastercard

Starting a business may have historically been perceived as a man’s game, but this couldn’t be further from reality. Research shows women are actually more likely than men to actively choose to start their own business – often motivated by the desire to be their own boss or to have a better work-life balance and spend more time with their family.

The recently published Mastercard Index of Women Entrepreneurship 2021 found that in the category of 'Aspiration Driven Entrepreneurship’ – capturing those who actively choose to start their own business – women in the UK surpass men: 60% vs 56%. And Mastercard research from February 2022 found 10% of female business owners started their business in the past two years compared to 6% of men – meaning women were 67% more likely to have started a business during the pandemic.

Yet, there are common challenges that women founders continue to come up against - not least the gender imbalance in the household and long-held biases which are still prevalent.

In the UK, women are almost three times more likely to be balancing care and home commitments than men, and this was exacerbated during the pandemic as the additional barriers of school closures and lockdowns meant that the care time of dependents rose significantly on a day-to-day level for women. In addition, women were less likely to have access to a home office, greatly impacting the work they were able to accomplish when working from home was the only option.

It's also widely known that female business owners are still more likely to struggle to access funding for their business ideas. According to Dealroom, all-women founding teams received just 1.4% of the €23.7bn invested into UK start-ups in 2021, while all-male leadership teams have taken almost 90% of the available capital.

Without financial support, and when juggling significant time pressures both at home and at work, how can women grow their companies and #BreaktheBias (as this year’s International Women’s Day termed it)? What tools or support can save them time and money, and give them the headspace they need to focus on building their business?

With female owned businesses collectively estimating revenue growth of £120 billion over the next five years, solving this problem is bigger than supporting women – it’s about supporting the national economy.

Using tech to level the playing field

There are clearly societal issues at play that need to be resolved. But when we look at the rise in technology businesses during the pandemic, we can plainly see an alternative source of support critical for business growth: digital tools.

A third of female business owners say new technologies will be crucial to the success of their business in the future and one in five say it is the most important thing for business growth.

With new technology comes new ways to pay, create, and work. And yet there are barriers that prevent business owners accessing this technology. Women are significantly more likely to say they want to use more digital tools but don’t know what is best for their business and also more concerned about the security of digital tools.

When technology is adopted by businesses – whether using online accounting solutions or messenger services for communicating with staff – it saves them time, allows them to maintain and grow their customer base, and ultimately increases cost savings and profit.

By drastically improving the training and support that is available to women-owned business to access and utilise technology we will allow these businesses to grow and succeed. And we know there is demand for it.

Research done by the IFC and Dalberg shows that female entrepreneurs are more likely to invest time and money in business development. This includes product development, customer base expansion, and digital tools and training and there are plenty of services available offering this type of support – many of them for free.

One such programme is Strive UK – an initiative of the Mastercard Center for Inclusive Growth – which aims to reach 650,000 micro and small business owners across the UK and empower them with the tools they need to thrive in the digital economy through free guidance, helpful tools and one-to-one mentoring.

Working together with small business experts – Enterprise Nation, Be the Business and Digital Boost – we hope to ensure hundreds of thousands of UK female business owners have the tools they need to succeed and reach their ambitious goals. Because this ambition remains strong in the UK, with female business owners largely optimistic about the future despite the multitude of challenges they are facing. Four in ten say they will grow their business in the next five years – compared to only a third of male business owners – and they’re also 35% less likely than men to say they plan to downsize or close the business.

But if we do not empower female entrepreneurs to access the tools and technology they need to grow, there is a risk this optimism could be misplaced. Support programmes that provide business owners with guidance and mentorship can help ensure this isn’t the case, allowing female entrepreneurs to not only survive but thrive in the months and years ahead.