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As a relationship therapist, here’s what I’ve come to understand about Valentine’s Day

pink and white heart illustration

Valentine's Day can be very special and romantic for many. It can be a wonderful and exciting day to celebrate a new relationship. And for married couples or partnerships, it can also be a nice reminder of all the good times spent together. Indeed, this is often a technique I use as a relationship therapist with my clients.

Couples can sometimes forget what they saw in each other, all those years ago. Therefore, it is important to occasionally reflect upon exactly what drew them together and recognise the qualities that allowed them to fall in love. Valentine's Day offers up a great opportunity to do this or rekindle a struggling relationship.

However, I am not entirely a fan of Valentine's Day.

I am aware that for many who find themselves on their own on Valentine's Day, it can be emotionally painful not to have received a card or an invitation to dinner and so on. Seeing red roses, chocolates and cards being sold and bought, and watching or knowing that couples will lift champagne glasses to celebrate, can also be very hard for those on their own. It is a day that can trigger all sorts of negative emotions:

1) When partners sometimes forget or can't afford to send flowers, buy chocolates, and so on, that can lead to disappointment and dismay.

2) It can be a reminder of a relationship that is failing.

3) It can also be a sad reminder of a partner who may have passed away.

4) It can set off feelings of loneliness, sadness, depression, and even abandonment.

5) Consequently and statistically, suicide rates go up, and yet knowing this, we continue to celebrate this ancient ritual.

6) It can also set off feelings of failure for not having a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or a partner.

7) And waiting for that lone Valentine's card to be posted through the letterbox can be most excruciating, especially for teenagers.

8) Some people with weight or self-esteem issues and so on can find this day excruciatingly painful. They can feel rejected, and any feelings that they may be unattractive or worthless can emerge.

READ: 9 questions you should ask before falling in love, according to a relationship therapist

9 questions you should ask before falling in love, according to a relationship therapistconversations.indy100.com

Relationships are risky. Getting to know a prospective partner and asking the right questions early on is crucial to reducing this risk – especially when we all know love can be blind, and it doesn't always recognise the pitfalls.

In other words, if any day is to be celebrated, then surely it should be celebrated with an upbeat, happy sentiment that is shared by ALL? This is certainly not the case with Valentine's Day. But, I am also aware that many shops rely on this day for much of their profits.

Sadly, Valentine's Day also re-affirms all the nonsense we've been fed for decades. Not all relationships are about sending one another red hearts, kissing a prince or princess, then walking hand in hand into the horizon and living happily ever after. Life just isn't like this.

Sure, it may be nice to play make-believe for a day. However, the reality for many is often far from the fantasy that Valentine's Day produces.

However, if you find this day hard, remember you are not alone. Many feel the same way, perhaps even for different reasons. On the other hand, if you know of any single friends, maybe you could send them a Valentine's card or maybe they'd appreciate a call, so they'll know that someone cares.

But, if you are with someone you love, permit yourself to shout your love from a rooftop or from wherever you are. And tell everyone in your life how much you care and how much they mean to you.

Why not? That's what one should do on Valentine's Day!

Deidré Wallace is a relationship therapist and educator. She has had a private practice for the past 20 years. For more information, visit her website here.

Women founders continue to come up against common challenges and biases

Written by Kelly Devine, Division President UK & Ireland, Mastercard

Starting a business may have historically been perceived as a man’s game, but this couldn’t be further from reality. Research shows women are actually more likely than men to actively choose to start their own business – often motivated by the desire to be their own boss or to have a better work-life balance and spend more time with their family.

The recently published Mastercard Index of Women Entrepreneurship 2021 found that in the category of 'Aspiration Driven Entrepreneurship’ – capturing those who actively choose to start their own business – women in the UK surpass men: 60% vs 56%. And Mastercard research from February 2022 found 10% of female business owners started their business in the past two years compared to 6% of men – meaning women were 67% more likely to have started a business during the pandemic.

Yet, there are common challenges that women founders continue to come up against - not least the gender imbalance in the household and long-held biases which are still prevalent.

In the UK, women are almost three times more likely to be balancing care and home commitments than men, and this was exacerbated during the pandemic as the additional barriers of school closures and lockdowns meant that the care time of dependents rose significantly on a day-to-day level for women. In addition, women were less likely to have access to a home office, greatly impacting the work they were able to accomplish when working from home was the only option.

It's also widely known that female business owners are still more likely to struggle to access funding for their business ideas. According to Dealroom, all-women founding teams received just 1.4% of the €23.7bn invested into UK start-ups in 2021, while all-male leadership teams have taken almost 90% of the available capital.

Without financial support, and when juggling significant time pressures both at home and at work, how can women grow their companies and #BreaktheBias (as this year’s International Women’s Day termed it)? What tools or support can save them time and money, and give them the headspace they need to focus on building their business?

With female owned businesses collectively estimating revenue growth of £120 billion over the next five years, solving this problem is bigger than supporting women – it’s about supporting the national economy.

Using tech to level the playing field

There are clearly societal issues at play that need to be resolved. But when we look at the rise in technology businesses during the pandemic, we can plainly see an alternative source of support critical for business growth: digital tools.

A third of female business owners say new technologies will be crucial to the success of their business in the future and one in five say it is the most important thing for business growth.

With new technology comes new ways to pay, create, and work. And yet there are barriers that prevent business owners accessing this technology. Women are significantly more likely to say they want to use more digital tools but don’t know what is best for their business and also more concerned about the security of digital tools.

When technology is adopted by businesses – whether using online accounting solutions or messenger services for communicating with staff – it saves them time, allows them to maintain and grow their customer base, and ultimately increases cost savings and profit.

By drastically improving the training and support that is available to women-owned business to access and utilise technology we will allow these businesses to grow and succeed. And we know there is demand for it.

Research done by the IFC and Dalberg shows that female entrepreneurs are more likely to invest time and money in business development. This includes product development, customer base expansion, and digital tools and training and there are plenty of services available offering this type of support – many of them for free.

One such programme is Strive UK – an initiative of the Mastercard Center for Inclusive Growth – which aims to reach 650,000 micro and small business owners across the UK and empower them with the tools they need to thrive in the digital economy through free guidance, helpful tools and one-to-one mentoring.

Working together with small business experts – Enterprise Nation, Be the Business and Digital Boost – we hope to ensure hundreds of thousands of UK female business owners have the tools they need to succeed and reach their ambitious goals. Because this ambition remains strong in the UK, with female business owners largely optimistic about the future despite the multitude of challenges they are facing. Four in ten say they will grow their business in the next five years – compared to only a third of male business owners – and they’re also 35% less likely than men to say they plan to downsize or close the business.

But if we do not empower female entrepreneurs to access the tools and technology they need to grow, there is a risk this optimism could be misplaced. Support programmes that provide business owners with guidance and mentorship can help ensure this isn’t the case, allowing female entrepreneurs to not only survive but thrive in the months and years ahead.