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What staying in an unhealthy friendship or relationship is doing to you, according to a relationship expert

February 19, 2021
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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
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Deidre Wallace

Relationships and friendships take 'two to tango'. Why? Because relationships and friendships are about two people working together, communicating and investing their time, in order to make the connection happen.

But if someone can't be bothered to telephone, if they can't be bothered to make the effort, why on earth would you want to keep running after them?

Also, if someone keeps answering their phone calls while you're with them, leaving you sitting there waiting around for them to finally talk to you, then surely, you should question whether you really want to spend time with them again.

Of course, their calls may be due to work or an emergency - but you'll know the difference. Sitting there trying to act like it doesn't matter, only makes you look like an idiot. It's embarrassing.

The reality is that the person on the phone is probably trying to tell you that they're incredibly popular – with everyone else. No matter what they may or may not realize is that by doing so, they're also telling you that the people they're talking to are far more important than you. So why would you continue the friendship or relationship?

Not all friendships or relationships are meant to last forever. Accept this truth and move on.

And know this too – when you choose to end a relationship or friendship - a space gets created for new things, for new people and new experiences to occur.

Learning to trust this process will help change your attitude and your belief system. And it'll free you from the shackles that friendships have to last forever.

READ: 9 questions you should ask before falling in love, according to a relationship therapist

9 questions you should ask before falling in love, according to a relationship therapistconversations.indy100.com

Relationships are risky. Getting to know a prospective partner and asking the right questions early on is crucial to reducing this risk – especially when we all know love can be blind, and it doesn't always recognise the pitfalls.

Knowing this, why would you hold onto a relationship or friendship that is clearly not working or serving its purpose? Sure, letting go can be painful. But why would you turn down the possibility of new experiences, all because you fear what change might bring?

Or do you just fear the truth - that you're being taken for granted or that the other person cannot be bothered about you any longer? If so, ask yourself this: What is holding on to this relationship doing for you?

Keep asking this question until you find the real answer. Many who have answered this question often mutter something about not feeling worthy, or that they feel they don't deserve better.

Beware of this thought process.

Holding on could mean that you've become someone's doormat. It can also mean that you're undermining your own lack of self-worth. Careful. No one should become anyone's doormat because this is not emotionally good for you, your friendship or your relationship.

Also, just because somebody hangs around or laughs with you, doesn't mean that they're really a true friend. People can pretend and their reasons for doing so may be complex. But often, situations will eventually expose the fake people, so pay attention.

Friendships or relationships are also not about people competing with one another, gossiping or stabbing one another in the back. Rather it should be about two people, willing to give of themselves, their time, being there for you and you for them, being there to support and help when times are tough. But, never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely - it isn't worth having.

And I repeat, not all friendships or relationships are meant to last forever. Accept this truth and learn to move on.

Deidré Wallace is a relationship therapist and educator. She has had a private practice for the past 20 years. For more information, visit her website here.
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Can tech help female entrepreneurs break the bias?

Women founders continue to come up against common challenges and biases
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Written by Kelly Devine, Division President UK & Ireland, Mastercard

Starting a business may have historically been perceived as a man’s game, but this couldn’t be further from reality. Research shows women are actually more likely than men to actively choose to start their own business – often motivated by the desire to be their own boss or to have a better work-life balance and spend more time with their family.

The recently published Mastercard Index of Women Entrepreneurship 2021 found that in the category of 'Aspiration Driven Entrepreneurship’ – capturing those who actively choose to start their own business – women in the UK surpass men: 60% vs 56%. And Mastercard research from February 2022 found 10% of female business owners started their business in the past two years compared to 6% of men – meaning women were 67% more likely to have started a business during the pandemic.

Yet, there are common challenges that women founders continue to come up against - not least the gender imbalance in the household and long-held biases which are still prevalent.

In the UK, women are almost three times more likely to be balancing care and home commitments than men, and this was exacerbated during the pandemic as the additional barriers of school closures and lockdowns meant that the care time of dependents rose significantly on a day-to-day level for women. In addition, women were less likely to have access to a home office, greatly impacting the work they were able to accomplish when working from home was the only option.

It's also widely known that female business owners are still more likely to struggle to access funding for their business ideas. According to Dealroom, all-women founding teams received just 1.4% of the €23.7bn invested into UK start-ups in 2021, while all-male leadership teams have taken almost 90% of the available capital.

Without financial support, and when juggling significant time pressures both at home and at work, how can women grow their companies and #BreaktheBias (as this year’s International Women’s Day termed it)? What tools or support can save them time and money, and give them the headspace they need to focus on building their business?

With female owned businesses collectively estimating revenue growth of £120 billion over the next five years, solving this problem is bigger than supporting women – it’s about supporting the national economy.

Using tech to level the playing field

There are clearly societal issues at play that need to be resolved. But when we look at the rise in technology businesses during the pandemic, we can plainly see an alternative source of support critical for business growth: digital tools.

A third of female business owners say new technologies will be crucial to the success of their business in the future and one in five say it is the most important thing for business growth.

With new technology comes new ways to pay, create, and work. And yet there are barriers that prevent business owners accessing this technology. Women are significantly more likely to say they want to use more digital tools but don’t know what is best for their business and also more concerned about the security of digital tools.

When technology is adopted by businesses – whether using online accounting solutions or messenger services for communicating with staff – it saves them time, allows them to maintain and grow their customer base, and ultimately increases cost savings and profit.

By drastically improving the training and support that is available to women-owned business to access and utilise technology we will allow these businesses to grow and succeed. And we know there is demand for it.

Research done by the IFC and Dalberg shows that female entrepreneurs are more likely to invest time and money in business development. This includes product development, customer base expansion, and digital tools and training and there are plenty of services available offering this type of support – many of them for free.

One such programme is Strive UK – an initiative of the Mastercard Center for Inclusive Growth – which aims to reach 650,000 micro and small business owners across the UK and empower them with the tools they need to thrive in the digital economy through free guidance, helpful tools and one-to-one mentoring.

Working together with small business experts – Enterprise Nation, Be the Business and Digital Boost – we hope to ensure hundreds of thousands of UK female business owners have the tools they need to succeed and reach their ambitious goals. Because this ambition remains strong in the UK, with female business owners largely optimistic about the future despite the multitude of challenges they are facing. Four in ten say they will grow their business in the next five years – compared to only a third of male business owners – and they’re also 35% less likely than men to say they plan to downsize or close the business.

But if we do not empower female entrepreneurs to access the tools and technology they need to grow, there is a risk this optimism could be misplaced. Support programmes that provide business owners with guidance and mentorship can help ensure this isn’t the case, allowing female entrepreneurs to not only survive but thrive in the months and years ahead.