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The gap between parenting expectations and parenting reality

May 31, 2021
Kirsty Ketley
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You can be fully prepared for the practical side of parenting, with a huge list as long as your arm of all the paraphernalia you will need and books telling you what to expect at each stage but, nothing can fully prepare you for the emotional side of parenting.

You won't ever be prepared for how you can love someone so much that you feel your heart might explode. You won't ever be prepared for just how proud and honoured you feel to be a parent and, you won't ever be prepared for how frustrated you can feel with a small human, yet be so forgiving.

I work with and speak to a lot of first time parents. Often, when they are struggling it is because they have set their expectations of what parenting is going to be like far too high.

Sometimes this is because they feel pressure to be the best, sometimes it is because social media makes it look easy, but often, it is because nobody really talks about how it actually is.

There is an unwritten rule that when you are speaking to new mums-to- be, you do not mention anything at all remotely negative. While I do agree that telling a woman who is about to give birth how horrific your own birth was is not ideal, I do think that our own parenting realities should be talked about more and perhaps, even be a part of antenatal classes.

Tiredness is talked about a lot but, until you experience the absolute exhaustion for yourself, both mentally and physically, you can't fully understand what it is like.

The whole "sleep while the baby sleeps" advice is completely unrealistic. In principle it works but, seldom do we get the chance to put it into practice. We are either so paranoid about something happening to the baby (something else that is unexpected) that we have to spend the time they are sleeping watching them or someone is ringing the doorbell. The washing will need doing, you need to spend time doing your life admin or just simply try and wash your hair. And, you can guarantee, the one time you do decide to nap, the baby will wake just as you've drifted off!

The biggest reality check I think for many though, is just how much your life changes. You know that it is going to change but until it happens you don't properly appreciate just how much it will alter.

The huge sense of responsibility that takes hold makes you realise that everything you now do has to fit around this tiny little being, who has completely captured your heart and placed themselves firmly at the centre of your world.

This responsibility can feel overwhelming and can be very consuming. You start to feel like a circus clown, juggling lots of balls, trying to do everything and be everything to everyone but rarely being able to fulfil it all.

While the responsibility can be overwhelming, parenting often leaves you feeling underwhelmed. It can be monotonous, extremely boring and lonely some days and you feel like your identity has gone AWOL, leaving you craving your old life.

Being overwhelmed and underwhelmed can happen simultaneously and leave you feeling like you are failing. You place unnecessary pressure on yourself and enter a vicious cycle of piling on the pressure to succeed and then failing because you have piled on too much pressure.

To combat all this, it is important to admit defeat, ask for help when you need it and remember that no parent finds it easy all the time. Also, it is important to know that the way you are feeling is completely fine. It doesn't mean that you are a bad parent and it doesn't mean that you don't love or appreciate your child.

You will have days where you are totally 'winging it' but, you will also have days where you are totally 'bossing it' and it is vital that when others offer their opinion, you remember that it just that, an opinion.

Accepting and embracing your new reality and adjusting your expectations accordingly, will without a doubt make your life a whole heap easier.

Parenting is certainly much tougher than most parents are prepared for, however, would new parents listen if they were told the stark realities? Perhaps not, but isn't it worth a try anyhow?

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Can tech help female entrepreneurs break the bias?

Women founders continue to come up against common challenges and biases
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Written by Kelly Devine, Division President UK & Ireland, Mastercard

Starting a business may have historically been perceived as a man’s game, but this couldn’t be further from reality. Research shows women are actually more likely than men to actively choose to start their own business – often motivated by the desire to be their own boss or to have a better work-life balance and spend more time with their family.

The recently published Mastercard Index of Women Entrepreneurship 2021 found that in the category of 'Aspiration Driven Entrepreneurship’ – capturing those who actively choose to start their own business – women in the UK surpass men: 60% vs 56%. And Mastercard research from February 2022 found 10% of female business owners started their business in the past two years compared to 6% of men – meaning women were 67% more likely to have started a business during the pandemic.

Yet, there are common challenges that women founders continue to come up against - not least the gender imbalance in the household and long-held biases which are still prevalent.

In the UK, women are almost three times more likely to be balancing care and home commitments than men, and this was exacerbated during the pandemic as the additional barriers of school closures and lockdowns meant that the care time of dependents rose significantly on a day-to-day level for women. In addition, women were less likely to have access to a home office, greatly impacting the work they were able to accomplish when working from home was the only option.

It's also widely known that female business owners are still more likely to struggle to access funding for their business ideas. According to Dealroom, all-women founding teams received just 1.4% of the €23.7bn invested into UK start-ups in 2021, while all-male leadership teams have taken almost 90% of the available capital.

Without financial support, and when juggling significant time pressures both at home and at work, how can women grow their companies and #BreaktheBias (as this year’s International Women’s Day termed it)? What tools or support can save them time and money, and give them the headspace they need to focus on building their business?

With female owned businesses collectively estimating revenue growth of £120 billion over the next five years, solving this problem is bigger than supporting women – it’s about supporting the national economy.

Using tech to level the playing field

There are clearly societal issues at play that need to be resolved. But when we look at the rise in technology businesses during the pandemic, we can plainly see an alternative source of support critical for business growth: digital tools.

A third of female business owners say new technologies will be crucial to the success of their business in the future and one in five say it is the most important thing for business growth.

With new technology comes new ways to pay, create, and work. And yet there are barriers that prevent business owners accessing this technology. Women are significantly more likely to say they want to use more digital tools but don’t know what is best for their business and also more concerned about the security of digital tools.

When technology is adopted by businesses – whether using online accounting solutions or messenger services for communicating with staff – it saves them time, allows them to maintain and grow their customer base, and ultimately increases cost savings and profit.

By drastically improving the training and support that is available to women-owned business to access and utilise technology we will allow these businesses to grow and succeed. And we know there is demand for it.

Research done by the IFC and Dalberg shows that female entrepreneurs are more likely to invest time and money in business development. This includes product development, customer base expansion, and digital tools and training and there are plenty of services available offering this type of support – many of them for free.

One such programme is Strive UK – an initiative of the Mastercard Center for Inclusive Growth – which aims to reach 650,000 micro and small business owners across the UK and empower them with the tools they need to thrive in the digital economy through free guidance, helpful tools and one-to-one mentoring.

Working together with small business experts – Enterprise Nation, Be the Business and Digital Boost – we hope to ensure hundreds of thousands of UK female business owners have the tools they need to succeed and reach their ambitious goals. Because this ambition remains strong in the UK, with female business owners largely optimistic about the future despite the multitude of challenges they are facing. Four in ten say they will grow their business in the next five years – compared to only a third of male business owners – and they’re also 35% less likely than men to say they plan to downsize or close the business.

But if we do not empower female entrepreneurs to access the tools and technology they need to grow, there is a risk this optimism could be misplaced. Support programmes that provide business owners with guidance and mentorship can help ensure this isn’t the case, allowing female entrepreneurs to not only survive but thrive in the months and years ahead.